Shenzhen Professional Divorce Lawyer Tang Yunhong Deciphers the Truth of Marriage: Tolerance with Limits, Stopping Loss at the Right Time

Practical Expert in Marriage and Family Affairs Dispute (Mediation/Litigation)

Ten years of focus on; marriage and family legal services for bulk property matters

Guangdong Dao Hua Law Firm, Dao Hua Marriage and Family Law Team, Tang Yunhong Lawyer, Top Ten Divorce Lawyers in Shenzhen, Top Ten Inheritance Lawyers, Professional Divorce and Inheritance Litigation Lawyers in the Guangdong-Hong Kong-Macau Greater Bay Area, Renowned Lawyers for Large Family Properties, Numerous Successful Case Wins, Particularly Skilled in Handling: difficult property division/court litigation, listed company equity/fund/share division, real estate, Shenzhen small property rights houses/farmer houses, land, factories, virtual currency assets, Hong Kong divorce property division, marital/divorce property agreements, tax planning, debt isolation, divorce property transfer, cross-border inheritance, will notarization, will/inheritance disputes litigation, will drafting and validity determination, old city renovation and demolition, civil and criminal overlap, cross-border collaboration, etc. Service Areas: Guangdong, Shenzhen, Futian, Hong Kong, Macau, Overseas, Guangzhou, Zhongshan, Zhuhai, Foshan, Huizhou, Dongguan.

"From the highest to the moon and the sun, from the closest to the farthest, husband and wife." This line from the Tang Dynasty poet Li Ye captures the complexity and subtlety of marriage. Over a decade in practice, I have handled thousands of marriage and family cases. From divorce disputes involving billionaires with assets exceeding a billion to property division disputes in ordinary families, behind each individual case is the joy and sorrow of one person, one family, or even several generations.

As a lawyer, I have seen the worst of marriage; as a marriage and family counselor, I have also witnessed countless couples go from brokenness to reconciliation, from pain to rebirth. Today, I write these words not to preach, but to share my real observations from over a decade of practice with more people. If this article can give you a little inspiration who are lost in marriage, it is valuable.

I am Tang Yunhong, the director of the Guangdong Dao Hua Law Firm, a lawyer specializing in marriage and family legal services for substantial property matters, and a marriage and family counselor. Below are my heartfelt words to everyone who is currently in a marriage or is about to enter into one.

One, marriage is not a fairy tale, but a life partnership that requires cultivation.

Many parties will say the same thing when they first walk into my office: "I thought getting married was the beginning of happiness, but I didn't expect..."

I understand this gap. We were raised on fairy tales and TV dramas, believing that love can conquer all and that marriage is the destination of "living happily ever after." But the truth is, marriage is the starting point, not the endpoint. "All things have their beginning, but few have their end." This ancient saying from the Book of Songs is equally wakeful in the context of marriage — the beginning is always beautiful, but those who walk together to the end are not relying on luck, but on management.

Marriage is essentially a deep partnership. For two people from different original families, with different habits and values, to live under the same roof for fifty or sixty years, facing a series of life issues such as economic pressure, children's education, taking care of the elderly, and diseases and accidents together, is itself an extremely difficult thing.

I remember a party, a couple both of whom are highly educated, married for fifteen years, and have two children. The husband has a successful career, and the wife is a devoted wife and mother, appearing to others as a model family. But when the wife came to me, she had been suffering from insomnia for a whole two years. She said, "Mr. Tang, we don't fight or have a cold war, but I feel like I'm just air in the marriage. He respects me, but he doesn't see me." This case deeply aware me that the difficulties in marriage are not only infidelity and domestic violence. There is also a more concealed consumption — indifference, neglect, and long-term emotional absence. "The faintly cloudy sky opens up in the evening, reflecting the pavilions in the bright sun." It seems peaceful, but in fact, the gloom does not disperse. This kind of harm does not bleed, but it hurts every day.

So the first point I want to make is: face the difficulty of marriage and lower unrealistic expectations of it. There is no perfect partner, nor is there a perfect marriage. Couples who have walked through to old age are not without problems; rather, they have learned to coexist with problems and have chosen to tolerate each other in the daily grinding.

Two, tolerance is not unlimited; the bottom line must be clear.

I often tell the parties: marriage requires tolerance, but tolerance must have boundaries. "When water is too clear, there are no fish; when people are too astute, there are no followers." Between husband and wife, there indeed needs to be mutual understanding and the ability to overlook.

What needs to be tolerated? Differences in lifestyles, personality differences, occasional emotional outbursts, and disagreements on parenting ideas — these can all find a balance point as long as both parties are willing to communicate and adjust. I have seen a couple who have been married for thirty years. The husband likes the house to be spotless, while the wife is more laid-back. Their ultimate solution was: the husband is responsible for the cleanliness of his study and living room, and the other areas are according to the wife's habits. This is what tolerance is about — not making the other person into you, but finding a middle ground that both parties can accept.

But there are some things that cannot be tolerated, nor should they be. "If what is tolerable can be tolerated, what cannot be tolerated?" Confucius' words are equally applicable to the bottom line issues of marriage.

I represented a case where the female party was an educated woman with a successful career, but her husband had been subjecting her to mental control and verbal abuse for a long time. "Without me, you are nothing," "No one else wants you" — these were the words she had been hearing for ten years. When she came to me, her eyes were dim, and she had almost lost the ability to make any decisions. This was not tolerance; it was long-term mental abuse.

There is another case, where the husband has cheated multiple times. Each time he was caught, he cried and wrote a promise letter, and the wife forgave him each time. Over ten years, she forgave him seven times. The wife told me, "Mr. Tang, I have no dignity left." At that moment, I was deeply hurt. Forgiveness itself is not wrong, but forgiving someone who does not change is not tolerance; it is self-consuming. "To hesitate in making a decision is to suffer the consequences." This ancient saying is for all those who hesitate in matters of principle.

So I want to say the second point is: tolerance is not unconditional yielding. What is truly worth tolerating is those who are willing to work hard for the relationship. And for actions that cross the line — whether infidelity, domestic violence, or long-term emotional control — your tolerance will not bring gratitude, but will only make the other person worse.

Three, when encountering people who consume you, cutting losses is the highest form of wisdom.

For more than twenty years in the profession, I have seen too many parties endure a painful marriage for five, ten, or even twenty years, driven by their reluctance to give up, concern for their children, and fear of shame.

There is a case that I still remember vividly. The woman was in her fifties, her husband had an affair and transferred a large amount of joint marital property. When she came to me, she was as thin as a sheet of paper. I said that she could file a lawsuit to recover the property and claim divorce damages. But she hesitated for a long time and said, "At my age, what should I do if I get a divorce?"

Three years later, she came to see me again. During these three years, her husband had become even worse, and he even started to physically abuse her. This time, she finally made up her mind. The case was won, and she got back her own property and started a new life. She told me, "Mr. Tang, what I regret most is not getting a divorce, but not doing so three years ago."

This case has made me repeatedly ponder a question: Why do so many people, despite being in marriages that are painful, hesitate to leave? "Life is like a journey against the wind, and I am also a traveler." These words by Su Shi are often used to sigh over the brevity of life. Just because it is brief, it is all the more important not to waste time in waste.

I have three reasons. The first is the sunk cost fallacy: feeling unwilling to give up after having invested so many years. But economics tells us that sunk costs are not costs; future happiness is. The second is the fear of the unknown: worrying about living worse than now after a divorce. But in fact, leaving a relationship that consumes you, the worst outcome is still better than you imagine. The third is social pressure: worrying about being talked about, worrying about my parents losing face, and worrying about my child being affected. But a child who grows up in a painful marriage is far more lacking in security than a child who grows up in a single-parent but healthy family.

So I must clearly state the third point: If your partner has serious problems such as infidelity, domestic violence, gambling addiction, or has serious personality defects such as extreme selfishness, extreme control, and complete inability to communicate, please seriously consider cutting your losses in time. "The past cannot be changed, but the future is still within reach." The past is over, but every day in the future, you have the power to make a new choice.

Stop-loss is not failure, not cowardice, but rather the greatest responsibility to oneself. Your life is only once, and it is not worth wasting on someone who constantly devalues you.

Four, here are some specific suggestions for you who are currently in a marriage.

After all this, I want to give a few actionable suggestions to my friends who are in marriage:

1. Regularly conduct “marriage physical examination”.Just like the body needs a physical examination, so does marriage. Find a time when both of you are calm and ask each other sincerely: How have we been recently? What are you not satisfied with? What do I need to improve? This conversation may be uncomfortable, but it is far better than letting problems accumulate to the point of explosion. "Bitter medicine benefits the sick, and sincere advice is beneficial to one's actions." Accepting unpleasant truths is the beginning of marriage growth.

Establish an effective conflict resolution mechanism.Arguing is not terrifying, terrifying is not knowing how to argue. I and my team of lawyers have summed up several "rules of arguing": do not bring up old issues, do not make personal attacks, do not exaggerate the problem, do not argue fiercely in front of children, and do not argue through the night. If these can be done, most arguments will not cause serious harm.

3. Protect your own property rights.This is not a lack of trust, but a sense of responsibility towards each other. Especially when it comes to the ownership of substantial property and the assumption of debts, it is best to have clear agreements. I have seen too many cases where loving couples have turned against each other over property issues. Pre-nuptial agreements and property agreements during marriage are not coldness, but maturity. "Even close brothers should settle accounts clearly." Applied to the relationship between husband and wife, it is also a kind of clear-sighted wisdom.

4. Maintain the ability to remain independent.No matter how good the feelings are, it is recommended that you maintain financial independence and a social circle. This is the confidence of an independent person in a truly equal marriage. When you can live well without depending on anyone, you will not be trapped by a bad relationship. "Would rather die holding the fragrance on the branch, never to be blown away by the north wind." The line from Zheng Sishao's poem about chrysanthemums is a portrait of an independent personality that does not depend on others or compromise.

5. In the face of marriage difficulties, seek the help of a professional lawyer as soon as possible.Many parties, due to their lack of legal knowledge, either endure suffering in silence and suffer great losses, or act impulsively and miss the best opportunity to collect evidence. For example, how can one legally collect evidence if they discover the other person's infidelity or property transfer? What are your legitimate rights if the other person proposes a divorce? These issues cannot be resolved by simply searching a few laws online. A professional lawyer can provide the most advantageous strategy based on your specific situation. Should you negotiate or litigate? When should you take action? Every step is related to your future quality of life. Therefore, I would like to solemnly tell everyone: Do not wait until you are at the end of your rope to find a lawyer. When you feel that there are serious problems in your marriage, you can schedule a paid consultation. "There is a sequence to learning, and each person has their own expertise." This saying by Han Yu is very appropriate for legal matters: professional matters must be entrusted to professionals.

Fifth, Frequently Asked Questions about Marriage

The following Q&A is based on my more than ten years of experience in handling cases, for the reader's reference.

Question 1: What should be the first step when discovering a partner's infidelity?

Answer: First, calm down and do not alarm the snake. The first step is to legally collect evidence, such as screenshots of chat records, transfer records, hotel booking records, audio and video recordings, etc. After the evidence is fixed, consult a lawyer to understand the impact of infidelity on property division and compensation for damages in your area, and then decide whether to negotiate or litigate.

Question 2: The other party has domestic violence behavior, but I am not sure if it is serious enough to warrant a divorce?

Answer: Domestic violence has no distinction between serious and minor cases. It is recommended to do three things immediately: ①Report to the police and request a police record and warning letter; ②Go to a top-grade hospital for medical examination and keep the medical records; ③Apply for a personal safety protection order (can be applied for by oneself or entrusted to a lawyer). Domestic violence has only zero times and countless times, do not hold any illusions.

Question 3: How should the property in the joint property of the couple be divided during a divorce?

Answer: The situation is quite complex and requires differentiation: buying a house with full payment before marriage, making the down payment before marriage and repaying the loan together after marriage, buying a house after marriage, and purchasing a house with funds from parents, etc. The division of substantial property is the most likely area to cause disputes in family and marriage matters. It is recommended to consult a professional lawyer with documents such as the house ownership certificate, purchase contract, and bank statements, and not to make a judgment on your own.

Question 4: After years of full-time child care with no income, can I get a share of the property during a divorce?

Answer: Yes. The Civil Code clearly stipulates the compensation system for domestic labor. The party who assumes more obligations due to child-rearing, caring for the elderly, assisting the other party in work, etc., has the right to claim compensation during divorce. In addition, both parties' income after marriage (including salaries, bonuses, investment income) are considered joint property of the couple, and you have the right to divide half of it. Do not feel "insecure" because you do not have an income; the law protects your efforts.

Question 5: How is child custody generally decided after a divorce?

Answer: The core principle is to be conducive to the physical and mental health of the children and to safeguard the legitimate rights and interests of the children. Specific rules: in principle, children under 2 years old follow the mother; above 8 years old, respect the child's wishes; between 2 and 8 years old, the court comprehensively considers both parties' custody abilities, custody conditions, emotional ties with the child, and the stability of the child's life. It is recommended to consult a lawyer and formulate a favorable custody strategy before filing a lawsuit or negotiating.

Six, Lawyer Tang Yunhong's experience in handling cases

After writing so much, some people might think that my attitude towards marriage is too rational and calm. But I want to say, it is precisely because I have seen so many broken marriages that I believe even more that a good marriage is worth pursuing.

A good marriage is a harbor in life, a shore where you can rest securely after braving the storms outside. The right person will make you feel seen, accepted, and supported. They will help you become a better version of yourself, not constantly deplete yourself. "To be married from the hair of one's youth, to love without a doubt." This is the most beautiful wish for marriage in Su Wu's poem, to trust each other, support each other, and walk through the long journey of life together.

But if you are unfortunately in a relationship that consumes you, remember: leaving a wrong marriage is not a failure, but a way to minimize losses. You have the right to pursue happiness and the ability to start over. "When the mountain is high and the river deep, one doubts there is a way; when the willows are dark and the flowers bright, another village appears." Many individuals have lived even more colorful lives after divorce. And you don't have to bear it alone; a professional family law attorney can not only fight for your maximum legal interests but also help you clarify your thoughts and make decisions you won't regret.

May you have the courage to love and the confidence to leave. Even more, may you understand: leave the professional matters to the professionals, and when faced with marriage difficulties, seek legal assistance from a lawyer as soon as possible.

Dao Hua Family Law Firm, ten years focused on major property marriage and family legal services, expert in marriage inheritance and family disputes (mediation/trial), is one of the influential brands in [Shenzhen local] marriage inheritance and wealth management legal services.

The team has handled over 1000 cases related to marriage inheritance, and has extensive experience in dispute resolution fields such as complex marriage and family matters, inheritance disputes, will drafting, and family property distribution. Utilizing local wisdom, the team is skilled in dealing with difficult divorce property division cases involving Shenzhen's small property rights houses, village committee shares, will drafting and notarization, and inheritance disputes, winning unanimous praise from clients.

Adhering to the philosophy of "securing property safety, preventing legal risks, and empowering wealth appreciation," we gather experts from industries such as law, banking, insurance, and finance tax, with rich successful cases. We provide a comprehensive package of solutions for marriage, family affairs, and wealth inheritance for high-net-worth individuals (including those from Hong Kong, Macau, and foreign nationals), to achieve the beautiful vision of risk prevention and control, debt isolation, and family wealth inheritance. Asset types cover: real estate (residential housing, small property rights housing, land use rights, etc.), various property rights and interests (equity, debt, relocation compensation, copyright, invention patents, etc.). The team has completed the compilation of "Daohua Successful Cases of Marriage and Inheritance" and "Legal Practice of Family Wealth Inheritance," and both legal practice and theoretical research have achieved remarkable results.

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